“I am available on most weeknights, not degree educated but well versed in matters of politics, economics, religion and the like. Personal disasters like career disappointments and failed romantic encounters can be discussed and I am not too averse to bouncing balls, kicking balls and hitting balls with a bat but much prefer the kind of play available at the local night club. I can hold my liquor quite well and am unlikely to return any curries eaten under the influence. Being a little on the large side enables me to fireman lift any friend to whom the excitement becomes too much. All this for the price of a taxi ride home! Bookings being take now, form an orderly queue please, we’re British.”
Yes, my friends, this what we have been reduced to, on top of rent a TV, rent a fridge, rent a lady for a dinner date ;-), we know can rent someone we can bore the pants off. Unlike real friends who can piss you off, ask for their money back or simply disagree with your fascist views – this one you get to choose from a wonderful list of rental friends. Be very careful how you type that into Google, will you please, we would want you finding out what other kind of ‘friendly’ services that are for rent.
Ignore these sourpusses at the Independent and at the Guardian, just because they have the time to be making friends and putting up with their boring lot, we know in the real world we need to get what we want and get it now. I am sure the bank manager, a good friend if there ever was one, will authorise the overdraft extension to take out a friend a week, Oh, OK then may be too much, once a fortnight then. The rest of the time we can concentrate on working hard to pay of the overdraft – maybe two jobs will do it. Apparently there are jobs currently available undertaken by illegal immigrants that no-one else would do for love or money, where a good British born worker would be gratefully received. Who knows you might make an immigrant friend, you know the one you can say ‘I have a ….. friend’ in conversation with your rented friend.
By the way those of you on my Facebook friend list, please send me your credit card details, it’s nothing personal, just business.
On the other hand, go out there, meet people and make some friends.
May you find the balance.
[First published on my Talking2Myself blog on specified date]